I should be sleeping

Should be, could be, I would be, but…

There you go again getting into my head. Only this time I’ve given you the keys.

Drifting.

I’m in and out of sleep. That means I’ll have bad dreams.

You’ve got me stuck here and I’ve had no luck here. Stalling. That’s all I do these days, especially when you’re calling.

Do you miss me, miss me always?

Will I have gray hair or will I still have my youth?

Will you come back home and just take another look?

So many questions, so many years that trace our history, yet you’re still portraying me like I’m some sort of a mystery.

I said I was going to bed but now you’re in my head.

Hoping you’ll refresh your page again…

my eyes will be shut but you’ll be wide awake. Your turn now. Sleepless nights, restless mind, fight the battle that I thought I had already won.

Now you know.

You know now.

Know it always.

It’s you, it’s you always.

MF

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You

Your words are telling me different.

Your face is smiling crooked.

Are you in there?

I glance to the right of me, empty prescription pill bottles, open beer cans, and here I am.

Here I am trying to pull you out of the hole again. I said that last time was the last time.

This isn’t fine. You’re not fine.

You’ve been placed in jail and let out on bail 3 different times. When will you learn that this isn’t good.. this isn’t cool. You’ve got family that love you.. why do you want to be a fool..?

What’s happening doesn’t only affect you.

We tell you and we tell you.

Only God can judge me – that’s what you’d say..

Only this time I’m saying I don’t want God to judge you just yet. You’ve got your entire life ahead of you. Sit down kid, this isn’t it. This isn’t the end.

Sometimes being loud isn’t the answer. Fighting never solves anything. Come on man, we’ve been through enough alcohol is almost as bad as cancer. It sucks you dry, blacks your eyes, turns you into someone you’re not, you’re fighting the devil and I know it’s tough but you got this bro. You’ve gotta be tougher. Kill the demons that run in your head. I don’t want to ever hear the words “your little brother is dead.”

MF

A little bit 

I always told you, I always told you, I always told, I always, I, I,…I. I told you always. 

I felt all ways. I felt all ways. Do you feel it? Feel it, always? 

Broken bones, twisted tones, pick up your phone.. I’ve been calling. Tried to reach you to speak to you. Why are you so.. so down? 

When I’m around always, I’m around always, I’m always around. 

Turn it down, shut it off, sit down, piss me off, I’m leaving this town. 

Feel it now? Now feel it. 

Once it’s on you, twice it’s on me, third time around I’m a fool. Use me, fuse me, light me up, bright like a star, I could burn the town down. 

Up, down, spin me around, left and right, out of sight. 

Invisible girl, in a big visible world, trashing people’s hearts like I’m the Grinch and it’s winter. 

It’s okay, I was born a sinner. 

Live and learn, leave and succeed. 

I got you, but you don’t have me. 

Smile that smile, brush my hand with yours, it’s like a love story only this is a war. 

Makayla Fuller 

Hope

I am done arguing and I am done going back and fourth. 

My happiness begins when I stop letting you in. 

You can only wish and hope for so long. 

Sometimes things in life go wrong. 

Don’t be selfish, don’t be strict, don’t lose your shit. 

Just keep your chin up and keep your head held high. 

Everything always turns out all alright..

Makayla Fuller 

Wandering 

Here I am. 

Lost. 

Wandering through my mind again. Wondering how to make it right again. 

Wandering now through the tall trees and itchy weeds. Wondering, do you miss me?

Wandering amongst others. 

Crowded. 

I shout but no one answers. I instead get blank stares. 

Wandering barefoot on the gravel. I step on a stone that’s sharp. Stabbing me the way you stabbed my once whole heart. 

Shook. 

Scared, although I’ve got no true reason to be. I am tough. I am unique. 

Wandering up the stairs, I see visions of you and me. The way things used to be. 

Memories. 

Wandering through this life with me.. is me.  There is no room for make believe. 

Stronger. 

I’m wandering through my mind again. I’m happy. 

Finally. 

Wondering now, where you might be but no longer carrying you with me. 

Free. 

I will always wonder about you and me. Although, I will no longer wander the deepest parts of myself and care as to why you couldn’t love me. I am happy and at peace now. 

I found myself while I was wandering. 

Makayla Fuller